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Over the last several months, I've had conversations with over 20 people who've recently lost their jobs. Some of them were laid off, some of them quit, and some of them just had the rug pulled out of them, not expecting this to happen. And I went into these conversations thinking I would hear about resume tips or networking hacks, but none of that happened. What I heard was something that will completely change how I think about job loss and identity and what it means to bounce back after something tragic happens in their lives. So today, here are five things, five real quotes from people that have experienced this or are experiencing this and what I've learned. The first thing that I've learned is your body is the first thing to break down. And really, when that happens, nobody puts that stuff on LinkedIn. Nobody wants to openly share that they're struggling and they're feeling bad, their stomach hurts, or they can't sleep. So when you lose your job, your body takes a hit before your brain does. And that's where a lot of the damage can happen initially. My friend Matt Kelly spent over a decade doing enterprise sales at a very high level. Flights every week, expensive dinners, late night drinking, trying to close a deal. and he was performing at the highest level until he really wasn't.
I became a guy who ate huge dinners and went and drank whiskey until 3 a.m. because I had to, you know what I mean? Like I had to be that guy. Like that was the job. You know what I mean? And, and a decade of that, I just got run down, dude. I was like 240 pounds. I wasn't sleeping well. I just wasn't healthy, man. And I, you know, and like,
Yeah, it's part of ⁓
There's a lot of that, that like, wasn't working out. wasn't running. was, mean, just nothing, right? And my testosterone was, low. whatever, like just, you know, I just didn't feel good.
And it wasn't just Matt. Reet sold her house, packed up, and traveled 23 different countries, all in the hopes of trying to find what it means after something like this happens. she told me something from a different angle.
And if you don't have your health, you don't have anything. You can chase all the outcomes in the world, but I don't want to sit on my deathbed or sit in a hospital bed, have regrets of.
Mm-hmm.
What ifs and lately something that downloaded was like I don't want to have double regret I don't want to have regret to today for the things I want to do and I don't want to have regret on my deathbed of I wish I'd done it.
Mm.
Most people would treat a job loss like a sprint and they're running when their bodies are already on empty. first act of recovery isn't rebuilding your resume. It's about investing in the foundational things that make you healthy and sane. And the second thing I learned is that every single person that's bounced back, every single one of them had to do some form of internal reflection, journaling, therapy in order to bounce back. Mike Lee is a friend of mine from high school. Unfortunately, he lost his job the same time he was going through a divorce. And he told me something I'll never forget.
And I remember my therapist asking me this question, said, Mike, if you were to meet a female version of yourself, like that is to say a woman who is going through a similar phase of her life, similar story, thinking and feeling the same way as you right now, would you want to date her? And I said, Fuck no.
The therapist question cracked open something for him. the work he did after that, going to the gym, investing in rock climbing, being with his friends. That's what led to the moments he described right after.
Like I can look in the mirror now and I'd say like, hey, I like you. I'd buy you a beer. I would take you out for a beer. And that made a really ⁓ big difference in how I was able then to recommit to putting myself out there on the job market.
And you can't shortcut this one, folks. The ones that bounce from job to job and continue to spin, those are the ones that really struggle. And the ones that really took enough time to have that pause in between and to look inward, They'll do much better as they see the other side of this journey. And the third thing is that the people that picked up the phone really saved lives. And what I mean by this is relationships, building relationships. And I'm not just talking about, you know, going out and picking up the phone, but people who actually showed up when you needed them to. Sarah Johnson went back to school at the age of 40 to earn her doctorate in occupational therapy. She faced imposter syndrome, burnout, chronic health problems. And the constant fear that she made a terrible mistake by going back to school. And she told me what actually got her through these times.
the other thing that got me through it was a good support system. you know, the people around you, the people you surround yourself with, people believing in you, ⁓ someone or someones that you can talk to, maybe ⁓ for me, a lot of times it's like my dad or certain friends of mine who have
yeah. Right.
know, some good perspective and good life experiences, maybe look at the world differently than I do. I think it's just so important to take perspective ⁓ from other people because you can take that perspective, you can reflect on it, and then you can say is this for me or is this not for me, right? know, ⁓ but getting that perspective can really help you, especially if you're really in the thick of it, ⁓ really feeling doubtful or really ⁓
Right.
maybe perseverating on what should I do next. That's when it's really valuable to have that support network.
And Howie Cohen, who spends his spare time helping friends find work for free, put it even more succinctly.
Everything has been about the relationships that I have with people and the value of the relationships and the outcomes that we achieve relative to the business really have to do with how we work together with people and how we network and how, whether if you're the smartest guy in the room, no, ⁓ or not. What really matters is that you're listening to people and you're respecting people. ⁓ I look at any team that I ever had or worked with it was integrity trust and respect those three things were my sort of a ⁓ part of a motto ⁓ If if you lose one you don't have all you know, if you lose any one then you lost all three
Yep.
In the middle of a job loss, most people isolate, But the ones that bounced back did the opposite. They picked up the phone, they called their friends, they called their family. and more importantly, they let others see that they were struggling and that they needed help. And the fourth thing is you have to build something, even if it's a small thing. Okay this one surprised me the most. I talked to that was transitioning was working on building something. It could have been a podcast, a business, a new hobby, something to keep them busy, but also more importantly, something to call their own. I always advise to everybody he talks to is start with a life plan. And he told me something that I'll use from now on every time I refer someone to him.
So I start with a life plan. What do you want today? What happened to you in the past? What are you looking for in the future? What's going to make you, what's going to bring you peace? Not happiness. Not happiness. What's going to bring you peace? And what does peace look like?
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
And then we start to tease that out. And by the way, right then and there, I can tell you if someone commits or doesn't commit to doing a life plan, I can tell you right away how their journey's gonna be. Now, I will tell you this, 100 % of the time, 100 % of the time, if people follow the process, they successfully land. It's not my fault, and it's not because of me, it's because that's the way this works.
Danielle Luman, a lawyer who became a therapist, an Iron Man, an ultra-marathon runner, and a mother of three. The act of building something, even in the middle of chaos, is what keeps your identity intact.
I'm doing this because it's important for me and you need to know that it's okay to have things that are important to you, right? I mean, for me, I wanted them to know that like, I never want you to lose your identity and the things that make you feel good. And so they've grown up kind of knowing that like, I'm not choosing myself over you. I'm just, you know, it's like if you're on a plane, what do they say? But you're asking your own oxygen mask on first. I mean, like you have to take care of yourself.
Absolutely, Yep.
to take care of other people. And I believe that applies across the board.
And for me personally, this show was my something. It was that one something that I didn't know I needed. But now, I don't know if I can live without. So for you, start with something simple, write it down, give it some time to marinate it your brain, and then just start. It really doesn't have to be perfect. It just has to be yours. And the fifth thing, the one thing that changed everything once you start to understand it. And it's that the job loss does not mean it's an identity loss. So when people lose their job, they think the problem is that job. But the real crisis is with the identity itself. Vanessa Okoro said this in a way I've never heard before. She's a young professional still early in her career. And she's already doing a lot of the inner work that most people don't do until they're forced to.
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So I think I, like yours, also very hyperconscious of, I guess, being the different one in the room. And because of that, ⁓ going back to anxiety, I always felt like I needed to overperform or outperform. If I'm going to come into this space, I'm coming with the likely understanding that there, without someone knowing me, ⁓ that they maybe have a perception of what I would be like, and I would, like, arm myself by trying to make sure that, I don't know, I always had to show up as, excellent. all the spaces I was in. It's like I deserve to be here, like I more than deserve to be here, but it's also so anxiety inducing because I felt like I could never make a mistake.
That kind of invisible pressure, the kind that gets louder, doesn't go away when you lose your job. If anything, it gets amplified. Vanny Whitchelo was born in a Cambodian refugee camp. She co-founded the Cambodian Culture Center in Vancouver, BC, and also was a host of Khmer Voices. All while raising two kids. And working a full time job. She opens up her episode with this.
the point of life is not simply to survive. Like we need to be thriving in order to enjoy life.
but the quote that really stands out to me comes up later in our conversation. government had a strike, which means no income for six weeks. And she told me what she said to her colleague in the middle of this.
if work was my full identity, I would have been so depressed because like, what else do you, what, what are you, what if I lose my job? What if, what if like, because for six weeks there was no money coming in. Like what if, what if we can't make it? So my, my colleague was, ⁓ my colleague and I were talking and I'm like, and then I told her, I'm like, I'm so glad I have the nonprofit and my podcast to think about, because if I were to only think about work, then I'd be so depressed right now. And I also feel like the podcast and the nonprofit have
Yep.
increased like have made my network and community stronger as well so that if something does happen to my nine to five, I do have a lot of people that will support me in trying to find something new to do or help me create whatever it is that I want to do if I didn't have a job. So I even though I don't know what it is that I would be doing if I didn't have a nine to five, I think. ⁓
Yep.
I think based on what I'm doing with my free time, ⁓ it's not going to be very hard to figure it out. I have that confidence.
That confidence doesn't come from a job. It comes from knowing who you are once that job is gone. back the strongest aren't the ones that find the next title the fastest. were the ones that already started building something that belonged to them. Something that's indelible and something that's part of their DNA. So here's what I've learned from all my conversations so far. One, your body needs time to heal. Give it some grace. Two, the inner working isn't optional. It is fundamental to your well-being. Three, pick up the phone because your network is as important as your resume. And four, build something, even if it's just for yourself. And five, you're not grieving a job loss, you're grieving an identity. And that means the new one, the new one you're building right now is one worth having. So if you're in the middle of this right now, subscribe, continue to listen to the shows, and be involved in the conversations. It'll help out even just a little. This is Savan with Life Between Titles. I'm your host. Let's get it.
